Apr
14
Goodness Amidst the Crap
Filed Under Life
I feel like for the past month I’ve been walking around in a half daze. I’m always tired. When I wake up in the morning, I long for the night so I can go back to bed. Whenever anyone asks how I am my response is always the same, “Tired.”
It has been a hard month. Losing someone so unexpectedly hurts. There’s a lyric from a Megadeth song (yes, I have some Megadeth cds) that says, “You know the sleeping feel no more pain, and the living all are scarred.” Jasmine feels no more pain, no more sorrow, yet those of us left behind, those of us still living, feel the pain. We carry the scars daily.
When Jaz first went missing, I clung to a verse – “Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord; Lord, hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy.” – Psalm 130:1-2. He heard my cry and He has been attentive to me. He has taken care of me…not in ways I expected or thought, but He has cared for me. Isaiah 40:11 says, “He tends his flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart;” My shepherd has been carrying me.
After Jaz’s death, I my whole focus was turned to the team and myself. Belgium planning was put on the back burner. But even though I was not putting in the work for the details of logistics and recruiting, things were getting done. My roster was filling up and pieces were falling into place. On one of my worst days this week, I got an email that made me smile and praise God. I found out there’s a pole vault team in Leuven…we’re taking 4 pole vaulters. And they may be able to help with transportation (my biggest worry).
I feel like God was saying, “You take care of what you need to. You focus on your team and yourself. I will take care of Belgium.” The past month I’ve been swimming in this pool of grief, stress and crap, but God has shown me glimpses of goodness. My motto as of late has been “There is always goodness amidst the crap.”
As hard and as difficult life is and situations are, there is always goodness, because there is always God.